fbpx

Category: Self Exploration

Posted on

Having a Great Relationship

Before I met my current boyfriend, I went on a lot of first dates…Like, a lot. Some second dates. A few thirds. Some people I dated for a few months before things ended. Sometimes I was the one who ended it. Sometimes they were, and I was left with painful feelings of rejection, wondering what was wrong with me, etc. Feeling like because I lost their interest there was something fundamentally wrong with me. After years of my own introspection, personal growth journey, and completing a master’s program in counseling psychology, I can see how that toxic core belief was likely what corrupted my previous attempts at finding long term love. Nevertheless, as I neared graduation from my program, feeling excited and proud of myself, I found myself in yet another dating situation which…seemed to be going well! It seemed promising! He went on a trip for a week and got back in touch with me when he got back! And yet…despite all the inner work I’d done to that point, my own attachment insecurities were being triggered. At that time I was learning more about different attachment styles. I definitely had some anxious attachment going on at that time! I want to be mindful here of not dumping all the blame on myself: if only I wasn’t so anxiously attached, if only I’d acted from a more secure place…Nope, not going to go there. However, I did use the end of that relationship as a catalyst to fuel my own personal growth, particularly how I was showing up in relationships with men I dated. I read books on attachment styles and overtime came to better understand my anxious attachment style, and how I could start to shift to one that was more secure.

Takeaway: educate yourself on different attachment styles and identify your tendencies. Start to see how these patterns have played out in your relationships. Understand the spells you fall under.

By the time my current boyfriend came into my life, I had a much different approach to dating. We met on a dating app. The odd thing is, it’s almost like I manifested him, in terms of how eerily similar he was to who I envisioned my ideal match would be. Nevertheless I had low expectations, especially since he seemed so…perfect, for me. I simply responded to his messages. I leaned back. Whereas before I’d suggest meeting up after exchanging a few messages, this time I decided I’d wait for him to suggest it, no matter how long that took. But this time, it didn’t take long for him to suggest a place— exactly where I love to go! Uncanny. Here’s where we take a turn for the spiritual. By now I had *such* a good feeling about this guy. Yes, I am a spiritual person. I definitely felt good vibes about him, as though the deep rhythms and currents of the universe were bringing us together. However, I also had put a lot of work in to trusting my intuition and feeling a connection to something greater than myself. Cultivating deep intuition has immense benefits for many areas of life, not just relationships.

Takeaway: Invest time in cultivating intuition, discerning your wise self and voice, and practicing listening to it. Meditation, time in nature, mind-body movement like yoga, journaling, clean eating, stress management, making decisions, sharing your opinions, improv…these are some of the many practices that can support developing intuition.

…to be continued! There are so many lessons I learned and am continuing to learn from this relationship that I want to share with you! I hope these two takeaways get your started on the path to cultivating deep respect and appreciation for yourself, trusting your journey, and learning how attachment styles may be affecting your ability to find and cultivate a beautiful relationship with the right person for you!

Posted on

Struggling With Emotional Eating or Binge Eating & Want to Lose Weight?

Consider shifting your focus from weight loss to health. There are many different types of healthy eating patterns developed by doctors to support a variety of health goals including brain health, gut health, longevity, blood sugar regulation/diabetes, strength, etc. Try researching and reading up on a few different approaches, and find what resonates with you. The idea isn’t to find the One True Diet and stick to it rigidly. Rather, take components from different credible sources to craft your own approach. Be flexible. How you eat and how much might shift from day to day. Consider each book or plan a starting point from which you can tweak depending on what works for you.

As you go through this process, pay attention to how certain foods, amounts, and timing make you feel. For example, for me, eating too close to bedtime destroys my sleep. Just because a certain food is included or excluded on a particular plan doesn’t mean it works or doesn’t work for you. This process supports a more intuitive approach to eating, cultivating a healthy trust in and relationship with the wisdom of your body. As you begin to listen to and trust your body in guiding you in your eating choices, consider other areas of your life this embodied wisdom could expand to. 

Be gentle with yourself. Consider that being kind to your body is not about extreme rigid restriction, nor is it about overfeeding it especially with unhealthy food. 

Posted on

Managing Your Urges to Break Your Healthy Eating Plan

First, it can be helpful to identify exactly what your healthy eating plan entails. Specific eating programs can be helpful in terms of providing suggested types of foods to eat. At a minimum it is very important to eliminate added sugars and refined,. processed carbohydrates. Ultraprocessed foods drive overeating and will make it very difficult to adhere to your healthy eating intentions. Maybe in another blog post I will given some suggestions in personalizing a healthy way of eating that makes sense for you. So, step 1, get that health eating program!

What follows is what to do when those urges to break you program inevitably arise. Emotional eating and overeating are a mix of psychology and physiology. So eating the ‘perfect diet’ will not eliminate your urges to overeat or to eat off plan or to revert to eating unhealthy foods, particularly during times you are experiencing negative emotional states. Right now, your current pattern is probably:

Urge to overeat/eat a food not on your plan…and then eventually give in to eating that food or in that way

INSTEAD:

  1. Notice what you are experiencing emotionally. Take some time to get CURIOUS about the thoughts, memories, mental images, feelings, and sensations that are present for you. Especially notice if you are overall feeling something negative or aversive. Notice what you have an urge to do or not do. Notice if you are feeling an urge to avoid something.
  2. Within all of your experience, get curious about what exactly has TRIGGERED YOUR EATING URGE
  3. Identify what NEED may be underlying that urge. Do you need a break? Some soothing? A distraction? Stimulation? Do you need to take action?
  4. IDENTIFY A WAY TO MANAGE YOUR URGE AND MEET YOUR NEED IN A HEALTHY WAY THAT DOES NOT INVOLVE FOOD
  5. To cope effectively in #4, consider: is there something you can do to problem solve an issue? Is this something that cannot be changed and instead you may need to work towards surrender and acceptance? Would it help to be patient and sit with uncertainty? Are you in need of soothing? Do you need a distraction? Identify specific activities and ways to meet your needs without turning to food!
  6. Make a list and keep it with you.
Posted on

Beginning Practices to Change Behavior

It can be helpful to develop awareness of what you are experiencing in the moment you feel pulled to eat in a way that does not support your weight loss goals, such as eating unhealthy foods or emotionally eating. The moment you experience an urge to emotionally eat is a moment of profound choice. It can be very difficult to pause at the urge without acting on it. Time and practice are key here, along with a willingness to be with the discomfort of cravings and eating urges. The skill you must develop is to notice what is happening to you emotionally without reacting habitually.

The next time you experience an urge to eat in a way that does not support your weight loss goals PAUSE AND OBSERVE:

  • The feelings that are present for you
  • The thoughts, memories, or mental images coming up for you
  • Physical sensations you feel inside and outside your body
  • Urges to do or not do something (which in this case is typically an urge to eat: to eat something unhealthy, to eat in response to negative emotions, to eat to avoid, to overeat, etc)
  • Your Moment of Choice…to do something other than eat in a way that does not support weight loss

As a start, you might just increase your awareness of that Choice Moment, even if you still choose to eat. Just start to increase your awareness that you do have a choice in how you respond to urges to eat and to cravings. Overtime, start to make a different more support and healthy choice. You can develop a list of alternative things you can do. When developing this list, it can be helpful to first have an understanding of the role your unhealthy eating plays, so that the alternative activity you choose can also meet that need for you. Maybe at times you eat as a way to soothe yourself or to avoid: activities that effectively meet these needs may be different. Regarding ‘avoidance’, while distracting activities can be helpful in the short term to break the overeating habit, in the long term it can be helpful to do more inner work around what it is you avoid and why, which is beyond the scope of this blog post.

Posted on

The Role of Relationships in Overeating

Reflect on the role your interpersonal relationships have on your eating. Consider the impact of work relationships, family, romantic partners, and friends. An interpersonal relationship is one you have with other people, and these can play a significant role in overeating. This is especially true when these relationship dynamics fuel a negative emotional state. Ask yourself:

  • Are there certain people or certain social situations that seem especially triggering for you?
  • What is it about these people or situations that is especially difficult for you?
  • Can you change anything about these relationships or how you interact with these people?
  • What about these people and relationships can you work to tolerate and accept?
  • What are some skills that might support you?

Having healthy relationships with other people is an important element in being able to overcome overeating. Nurturing supportive relationships with others can involve setting boundaries, letting go of people, and challenging ourselves to look within at our own role in any disharmony.

Posted on

Why You Emotionally Eat

You use food to cope with negative emotions because it works. You Eat The Thing and for a moment, you feel better. The negative emotions that drive you to use food are likely influenced by challenging interpersonal relationships and/or negative self evaluations or self criticism. Both of these— challenging social relationships and self criticism— block your ability to experience positive emotional states. How you experience troubling inter and intra personal relating is unique to you. We can explore these inner experiences using parts of self. I describe a process of inner parts and how they contribute to emotional eating here. You may also have an inner part that is very controlling, which likely functions as a defense against the unknown and/or a way to avoid painful feelings such as shame and rejection. Basically, there is a part of you that is criticizing/controlling and a part that is being criticized/controlled. This dynamic results in a negative emotional state that may either be acute or pervasive in your experience. This stew of negative emotions— which include thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, and urges— ultimately lead to decisions to eat emotionally. Using food to cope is a choice you make and therefore can change.

Being able to sit with, tolerate, and effectively respond to negative and uncomfortable emotional states is key to you changing your emotional eating behaviors. You likely experience more episodes of emotional eating when you are in a negative mood state. This process can also be explored using inner parts of self as described in the above-linked blog post. Right now, the part of you that steps in to help the vulnerable, hurting part of yourself is misguided in using emotional eating to help manage negative emotional states. It seems to work— it reduces the negative emotional state— but it’s not effective in helping you reach your weight loss goals. Therefore, a key element in being able to refrain from emotional eating when in a negative mood is to be able to identify and choose a healthier and more effective response.

Another important element to overcoming emotional eating is the physiology of food. Eating foods high in refined carbohydrates, added sugar, and inflammatory oils will not support weight loss efforts. Hyperprocessed foods are designed to elicit overeating. So, it’s equally important to set yourself up for success by choosing a diet full of real whole food. A mediterranean diet pattern is a good starting point.

So, take some time to reflect on the role emotional eating plays in your life. Review the above-linked blog post and map out your inner parts of self and how they interact to drive your emotional eating behaviors. What part of yourself emotionally eats, and why? What purpose does it serve for that or any other part? What is it in response to? What part of yourself is contributing to negative emotional states? What is your self-talk in those moments? Do you use emotional eating as a way to manage and deal with certain people, circumstances, or emotions? Try to understand the patterns and cycles of emotional eating within your life and within yourself. Separate out each step in the emotional eating process and define how those inner parts of your own self interact to drive your negative self-evaluations, self-criticism, negative emotions, and emotional eating behaviors.

Start to consider a healthier part of yourself you can begin to work towards strengthening. At what point would this part of yourself intervene? How might strengthening this part of yourself change your emotional eating process?

Posted on

Why You Struggle to Lose Weight

I know, I know: you’ve probably been trying to lose weight for awhile. You’ve done all the diets, and maybe you’ve even found some success. But inevitably, your old habits creep in and you end up gaining weight, giving in to food, struggling against cravings that feel overwhelming. People are challenged by different obstacles when it comes to finding long term weight loss success. Let’s get a sense of where you are in terms of your willingness to engage in the process of losing weight for good— right now. Maybe have some pencil and paper and write your answers in a journal.

Why do you want to lose weight?

Consider that there’s a part of you who wants to lose weight. And, there is a part of you who does not want to lose weight. WHATT??? I can imagine you reading that in disbelief that part of you in fact does NOT WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT, and it’s because of this part that you continue to struggle in your long term change efforts. Think about it: if *all of you* were on board in wanting to lose weight and maintain that loss over the long term, you’d have done it by now. The fact that you have not been able to do so is because a part of you does not want to. In general, do you continue to do things you don’t want to do? Probably not. Losing weight is no different.

Find out why this part of you does not want to lose weight. Another way of framing this question is to look at the behaviors that underlie your weight loss process and develop an understanding of how you benefit from engaging in certain behaviors and/or refraining from others. ‘Weight loss’ is a complex process comprised of many, many micro-behaviors. Elements of being overweight, and being overweight in and of itself, may be rooted in your sense of identity, who you fundamentally take yourself to be. This is another reason it can be helpful to think in terms of parts of yourself. You contain multitudes and are not defined by any one part of yourself.

I probably don’t know you, but I’m pretty sure you have a general sense of the things you need to do to lose weight and the habits you engage in that prevent you from losing weight.

Take a few moments to consider what advantages being overweight has for you, how it might be helpful for you. Maybe take on the perspective of the part of you that doesn’t want to lose weight, and try to understand your struggles with weight loss from its perspective. Some reasons include:

  • Being overweight is just part of your identity
  • You get to eat what you want, when you want
  • Overeating/eating what you want helps you avoid difficult feelings
  • Overeating/eating what you want helps you reduce stress
  • Overeating/eating what you want is familiar
  • Overeating/eating what you want feels comforting
  • Your current way of eating soothes you
  • You don’t have to deal with resistance to changing food patterns from people you live with
  • The results of changing to a new way of eating are uncertain
  • You current eating patterns help you escape from negative thoughts
  • You have disempowering beliefs about your ability to manage a new way of eating, and sticking with your current way of eating allows you to avoid that uncertainty and discomfort
  • You’re tired and having a craving, which feels uncomfortable, and you’ve had a stressful day. Overeating/eating what you crave allows you to escape these uncomfortable sensations, thoughts, and feelings
  • You’d rather do other activities instead of prep and plan healthy meals

Of course, you also have many reasons you want to change. It can be helpful to think of this as another part of yourself. When you are doing well with the changes you want to make, this is the part of yourself who is present. And when you give in to old habits and self-sabotage, the other part of yourself is present. To succeed at losing weight, you must honor and acknowledge the part of yourself who does not want to lose weight, with full awareness that being overweight offers you some advantages.

You get to ultimately decide if it’s worth it to you to change. In changing, you can learn new skills and new ways of coping and being that can contribute to your long term success, finally. This can be considered a different part of yourself that you will be developing.

Interested in working with me in one on one consulting to FINALLY reach your weight loss goals? Reach out: tovaabelmancoaching@gmail.com

Posted on

Visualizing Your Ideal Self

Thinking in terms of healthy inner multiplicity, it can help to work towards envisioning how you want to show up in your life. This essentially helps you strengthen, develop, and embody an inner part of self, or inner role. If you’re feeling stuck in some way, or aren’t showing up in your life the way you want to (those intentions can be helpful in identifying traits, mindsets, and ways of being of your ideal self), start to get clear on what it would look like if you were aligned with your deepest intentions. Think of this part of you as a kind of container for attitudes, beliefs, ways of being, actions, and mindsets, and really flesh it out into a character. You might start off thinking in terms of archetypes (noting that all archetypes have a light and shadow side). Identify the details of this inner role: what do they wear, what do they do, what thoughts do they have, how do they sit, how do they respond to stressors, how are they in their personal relationships, etc. As you get clarity on these attributes, you can begin to visualize how this ideal part of yourself might react and respond to situations you find yourself facing or are about to face. Remember, this ideal self is a part of you right now, and you can step into the role at any moment.

Posted on

The Power of Setting Intentions

Our minds are super powerful. In order to walk down the path towards what you want most in life, it can be helpful to have some idea of what that is. This is especially helpful when we find ourselves in liminal space and moments of transition. We’re thinking big picture here. For example, you may want a relationship that has certain qualities or elements. Focus on these—the process— rather than a relationship with a certain person—the content. In this example, consider it’s not the specific PERSON you want but rather how a relationship with them either makes you or may make you FEEL. There are a lot of different methods and practices to go about setting intentions and even for identifying what it is you want. My workshops and individual holistic wellness consulting sessions can help you identify these. There’s also a lot of information available via google. Some practices to begin to center yourself in order to tap into your inner core include eating nourishing foods, getting enough good quality sleep, moving your body, journaling, and mindful awareness.

You can set broad, overarching life intentions; yearly intentions; monthly intentions; and even daily intentions. Note that intentions are not necessarily goals. While goals are more concrete and objectively achievable, intentions are more in the realm of values. They reflect states of being, attitudes, and mindsets.

The act of concretizing your deepest inner wants through writing down an intention is powerful, and can help align your mind and your actions. When you set an intention that comes from your deep inner wisdom , you can more clearly see when your thoughts, actions, and overall direction in life are out of alignment with how you want to show up in the world and what you want out of life. Without clear intentions we can succumb to our defenses, acting out of fear of the unknown in efforts to protect ourselves, which can lead to all kinds of self sabotage. Interestingly, sometimes getting a negative result may be preferable to uncertainty, and so we subconsciously do and say things that lead to ANY result rather than hang out in that liminal uncertain place. Expanding our capacity to meet uncertainty with grace, patience, and compassion is an example of an overall intention: it describes how we want to be in the face of uncertainty. Therefore, when we get pulled into behaviors or actions that are NOT graceful, patient, or compassionate we can step back and notice with curiosity and kindness, and decide if acting in those ways is what we truly want to do. We have a choice.

There are so many practices available to help you begin to define what you want out of life and how you want to show up. Discovering these is a process unto itself. My workshops are excellent spaces for this. You might write down and adjust your intention overtime. Life after all is a process. You can also google and write down some intentions that resonate with you. You might have an overall life intention and overall intentions for different areas of your life such as career, relationship, and how you treat yourself. The effects of these ‘broad’ intentions can be far-reaching. For example, if you have an intention to pay less attention to your inner critic and treat yourself with compassion, that might reduce your tendency to emotionally overeat. Having an intention to see the good around you may help you tolerate ambiguity and moments of uncertainty when dating rather than self sabotage by demanding certainty in some form.

The task for you is to come up with at least one overarching intention and write it down in your journal. Note how it makes you feel when you read it. When I read my intentions I feel a sense of inner expansiveness, excitement, and peace— almost like en exhale.

Posted on

The Power of Improv

Improv has become a kind of life philosophy for me. My background and experience in improv led me to pursue my MA in drama therapy. In holistic wellness consulting I integrate drama therapy to conceptualize improv as a powerful tool for personal growth and transformation.

Most people think of improv as a way to be funny. But roiling beneath the surface of improv are many powerful processes. Improv doesn’t even need to be funny. Psychodrama, for example, leverages elements of improv centered on more personal explorations. There are different types of improv, such as short-form game styles and long form, which can include entire improvised plays. When I think about using improv in a personal growth context, I’m less concerned about these distinctions and more interested in emphasizing certain underlying processes including embodiment, relationships, communication, play, spontaneity, inner parts of self, and divergent thinking. Further, one’s experience in improv can function as a kind of microcosm for their ways of relating to themselves and others beyond the stage: managing the inner critic, self judgment, a tendency towards control, relationship to uncertainty, self expression, empowerment, confidence, mistakes, etc. Improv directly confronts perfectionism. 

I think of improv as interpersonal mindfulness in action: it focuses on communication at all levels (verbal and non verbal); relationship (to self and other); and fully inhabiting the present moment. 

There is no script in improv. But, this does not mean improv has no structure or best practices. Spoiler: life also does not have a script.

Improv allows us to play with vulnerability. One way to use improv for personal growth is to focus on strong relationships in which characters explore, express, and grapple with how they honestly feel about one another. In our real lives we may at times hide how we really feel for various reasons, but in improv we are direct and honest. This honesty and vulnerability often leads to surprising results and deepened interpersonal connection in the scene. In fact, ‘being coy’ in improv is often unhelpful. 

Sometimes we make mistakes in improv. These are often embraced; improv has a beautiful attitude towards mistakes. But, sometimes we judge ourselves harshly for something we said or did, or didn’t say or didn’t do, and we carry that off the stage with us. This is an opportunity to practice awareness and change in how we relate to the part of ourselves that tears us down. For me, in a personal growth context, I emphasize how improv cultivates an open minded, aware,  non judgmental, and playful attitude towards what is unfolding in the present moment. This is the difference between being and thinking.

I created, wrote, and produced this deck of 50 practices intended to support wellness & wellbeing. It's now available for purchase on Etsy and Amazon!

This will close in 20 seconds